We just celebrated Father’s Day here in the U.S. and that got me thinking about relationships between fathers and children.
Many of us feel that we didn’t have the kind of father we wanted, or needed in our lives.
Is that you?
Did you experience your dad as unavailable? Either physically, emotionally, or both?
Perhaps your dad was an active addict and wasn’t available to you. Perhaps you never saw him as he lived in another state or country, or was incarcerated.
I have a friend whose father became homeless when he was a teenager.
As adults, many of us walk around for years holding a deep sadness, feeling like we’ve missed out on a relationship, feeling unloved by our archetypal father…
If this idea is resonating with you, here’s a quick 3-step process to walk you through healing that wounded part inside.
1. Allow Yourself to Feel
It’s okay to be angry about what you didn’t receive from your parent.
Maybe you wanted your dad to be home in the evenings to play with you, and he was at work. Maybe you wanted someone you could talk to, and your father was like a ghost, even when he was in the house. Maybe you didn’t live with him and barely saw him.
After you feel anger, see what else comes up.
In truth, all these feelings are a part of grief. So allow whatever other emotions need to arise to flow.
Maybe you feel sadness or yearning for what you didn’t have, guilt for feeling like a bad kid for wanting more… whatever it is, I encourage you to welcome it.
Once you feel like you’ve allowed yourself to truly grieve what you didn’t have,
2. Look Again
Can you see this person in a different way?
Not through the lens of what you wanted, or didn’t receive, but can you see them as they are?
Can you see that, in truth, they were doing the best they could?
Can you also see them as wounded children? And because they were damaged, they weren’t able to show up more fully for you.
3. Are You Ready to Forgive?
Once you can see your parent as a small child who suffered, it makes it easier to accept them.
It also allows us to be at peace with who they are, and extend compassion for the pain and suffering they experienced.
This is a simple process and it takes time.
Yet, the power in it is that it actually releases you, heals you, and helps you return to wholeness and love.
I encourage you to give it a try.
My daughter, Maya, who graduated from college last week, devoted her entire senior thesis project to understanding and deepening her relationship to her father.
As part of her personal exploration, she created visual art and wrote poetry, one of which was published!
In this poem, entitled, Swimming, she encapsulates the longing we feel for that absent love, that unrequited relationship. Perhaps it will jumpstart you on your own journey of healing. Check it out here.
The above steps, by the way, can be applied to ANY relationship that you would like to heal/transform.
Enjoy Maya’s poem and do the forgiveness work. Bring more love and light into your life right now.
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Header Image by stocksnap on Pixabay
Enclosed photo by Maya Sutriasa