All of us are experiencing a form of collective grief from this corona virus, mourning the way we once lived – leaving the house without a thought to donning a mask, attending events, visiting friends, traveling, going into the office...
In addition to the weight of this collective grief, many of us have personal tragedies. Loss of a loved one, a job, financial security, etc.
And whatever happens next, we know it will be different.
Last weekend, I took my daughter back to her college campus to pack up the rest of her stuff. The dorm was empty, the campus deserted. Looking around, my heart hurt for her, for all the life that was normally there – for the students, the activities, the camaraderie, the shared experiences. And for the city with its deserted streets, shuttered businesses.
I came home to discover that my dog was losing mobility in his back legs. He has been an active and involved family member for 16 years, originally coming to us in 2004, to help us run the school we opened that same year.
I felt angry, and sad, and wanted it all to be like it was before!
So how do we manage all this pain?
This grief, both personal and collective, can feel oppressive.
Using Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief can help us process.
They are:
Denial
Anger
Depression
Bargaining
Acceptance
Where are you?
Denial
Denial is a common response, and evidence of it is widespread. All you have to do is listen to a few global leaders!
We do it personally, too, whenever we’re in a pattern of avoidance.
Denial is a familiar place for me to be, especially now. If I don’t leave my house for days on end, I can pretend things are okay, even if I follow the news! Without physically experiencing closed stores, businesses and homeless encampments, I can easily intellectualize the suffering, rather than feel the aching loss.
Know what I mean?
Anger
Have you felt that?
Lots of people have. And there are loads of good reasons to be angry. Maybe it’s anger at what we’ve lost: countless peoples’ lives, freedom, economic output, connection, leadership... Maybe it’s anger at feeling helpless or hopeless, or both.
Depression
Some of us are experiencing depression. And as isolation from social distancing continues, more and more people seem to be experiencing depression.
Things feel bleak and eternal, hopeless. People feel lonely, disconnected.
Bargaining
Have you tried bargaining? You know this phase.
“Please, if I agree to never eat chips again, ______.” Or “I’ll do the rosary every day if only you will ____.”
Bargaining can make us feel productive, but it always requires sacrifice.
Acceptance
Hopefully we can, personally and collectively, get to acceptance.
Acceptance is being okay with whatever is occurring right now, and with whatever you are feeling right now. Even when you don’t like it.
Some say acceptance takes time.
But it also takes willingness.
A willingness to let go of what we wanted. A willingness to be at peace with what is. A willingness to trust that whatever unfolds is alright, too. Even if it is totally different.
Acceptance is like surrender. Releasing what we wanted to allow for God’s plan.
Acceptance doesn’t mean quitting. But it does mean no longer fighting against change.
The invitation is for us to open to possibility of what could be.
Hopefulness then becomes the antidote to despair and longing.
Perhaps Kubler-Ross’ steps can lay out a trail you can follow to help you arrive safely at acceptance, hopefulness and new beginnings.
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