How to Discern Between Love & Like
I'm sure you’re aware of the difference between liking someone and loving them. But would you indulge me for a minute?
Call to mind a friend or colleague. Someone you genuinely like who perhaps is reliable, trustworthy…Now think about someone you love. A family member or close confidante.
Can you feel the difference?
Yes!
Unfortunately, sometimes the lines between love and like get blurred, especially with members of our family.
Here’s an example of what I’m talking about.
When I was in my early 20s, I moved across the country to live near my sister. Growing up, our relationship was complicated. Sometimes we got along wonderfully, other times, not so much.
One day, she and I were having lunch together and ended up in a really heated debate that left me feeling upset, unheard and hurt.
As I left the restaurant, I was trying to process what had happened between us and had a profound realization.
It struck me that if I had met my sister at university or work, we probably would not have become friends! We didn’t have a lot of shared interests and her outlook on the world was quite different from mine.
In other words, I didn’t like her very much.
As I walked back to my car, I acknowledged that I loved her and cared about her deeply. She was my sister! But I didn’t really enjoy being around her and spending time with her.
I apologize if you find my sharing of this idea hurtful. It’s not meant to be. It’s designed to help us be more emotionally honest with ourselves about how we actually feel, especially when it comes to people we love – and specifically members of our families.
It’s a painful realization to acknowledge that you don’t really like a family member. It surprised me in that moment! But it also helped me have more objectivity and more compassion both for myself and for her. In part, because I stopped expecting my sister to be different, and wanting her to be different!
That allowed me to more easily accept her for who she was.
My friend and mentor, Dr Robert Holden likes to say, “emotional honesty leads to spiritual clarity.”
When we’re willing to tease apart our feelings – especially with our loved ones- it can often give us tremendous insights and epiphanies, and in truth set us free.
It’s okay not to like everyone. And we can continue to extend love to them anyway. Because love is bigger than a personality.
I’m grateful for my sister, for her love, her loyalty, and her caring. Even though it was a hard relationship for me, it taught me so much and helped me deepen into compassion, acceptance and self-awareness.
I extend the same to you.